Keeping Calm

Whether you are a parent, nanny, governess or caregiver to a child, there are moments we have all had when we have just wanted to scream and have our own temper tantrums.

These are the moments given to you as precious gifts from the little ones in your life. Moments like these will either break you or shape you.

I was never taught emotional regulation. I thought it was normal to handle bad situations by diverting everything inwards and occasionally completely losing my cool when something trivial doesn't go quite right.

Trauma, rage and anger all build up and we find other ways to vent.

When we are presented with unruly behaviour from our little ones it can be almost impossible to deal with and feels like a personal attack.

Maybe you have used the words "Why??.....because I said so!" or "Who do you think you are?" or "Why are you doing THAT?!" or "Just be quiet!" or "I'm an adult and you are a child so just do it!" or "This is just how it is so you have to do it!" or "Just suck it up!" or the all time classic "I had to do it when I was a kid so you have to too!"

We are often embarrassed by our own behaviour and so we don't talk to people about what is happening at home. After all, it's important that everyone thinks we are a nice family? Hmmmm. Well, if we break a bone will it get better all by itself? Sometimes we need help and children don't come with manuals.

We can't teach our children something if we are not actively doing it. If you are angry because your child has shown bad behaviour then you are taking that behaviour far too personally. Your little on either doesn't understand or is testing your boundaries with them. How you react is how they will learn to react. If you shout at them they will learn that shouting at people you don't agree with is normal. The same goes for smacking and crying. Step back, breathe and look at each situation from a logical perspective and try to see it from the child's point of view. You may just surprise yourself.

My advice:

1. Learn to breathe - really breathe - fill your lungs. It's not hippy stuff. It's science. We tend not to completely fill our lungs and are often living day by day with less oxygen than we need. When we are angry or upset our breaths shorten. Less oxygen to our brains lead us to think less clearly. Breathe - learn to do it properly. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your kids, and teach them too. Meditation and breathing exercises can really help with this because the repeated actions helps it become normal for you and your body will do it instinctively in times of stress.

2. Trust your child. Don't just say you will. Completely trust your child. This can be difficult. It's time to go to school and your child is crying and refusing to get ready. Your little one is trying to tell you something. I experienced this every single day for the entirety of my daughter's school life. Every Single Day. I used every strategy I could think of to help her, force her, even threaten her. Not a single one worked. It was always awful. At 14 years old I gave in. I told her if she could write me an essay about why she shouldn't go to school again then she could stay home and work on her own development. A day later I received an immaculately written articulate essay about the detrimental factors her school was having on her mental health, physical health and more. I was completely blown away. She didn't produce anything like this at school. I hold no judgement if your children attend school but it isn't for everyone and it was never meant for her. I can see that now. From 4 years old I should have trusted her.

3. Do your own healing. Generational trauma must stop with you. Really be open to working on yourself. If you don't get therapy your child will need it.

This list could continue but there's only so many hours in one day. This is my first blog entry. If you got this far, I hope some of my experiences will help you. I'm happy to give more specific advice if you have questions.